It is a common misconception, not only for outsiders but also the individual, that once one is eating again, they are ‘recovered’ or ‘cured’. Whilst the act of eating is a challenge, the thoughts and torment are present before, during and after. Dealing with the ED voice once you have eaten can be incredibly distressing: making us feel guilty and ‘fat’.
I want to establish the clear difference between normal food guilt, and guilt for somebody with an eating disorder. Imagine you have gone to dinner with your family or friends, and your order steak for your main and a brownie for dessert. Once you have finished, you may feel bloated and recognise you have eaten past fullness. Therefore, you make a few jokes about how you shouldn’t have ordered the dessert and need to make up for it tomorrow. You may have a bit of food guilt that evening, and possibly the next day. However, after one or two days it doesn’t even cross your mind.
Now imagine waking up, and your first thought being: “I can’t eat anything for the next few days, I finished my plate at dinner time.” Or “I’m dreading food today, that lunch made me gain loads of weight.” And we’re talking about a regular portion of food made at home. Then breakfast comes. You eat, because you remind yourself of all the reasons to not engage with the ED. You finish, and now you’re questioning if you should’ve left a few spoonsful because it made you look greedy. Lunch: you eat, and you finish. Now you feel uncomfortably full; bloated. You’ve eaten a small bowl of soup and one slice of bread, yet you can feel yourself gaining weight by the second. Repeat this at dinner time, now you are sat with your thoughts. Your ED is saying you’re a failure; you’re going to put on five pounds every day you eat like this. You go to sleep with the same thoughts and wake up to repeat the cycle again. It sounds exhausting, doesn’t it? But we keep facing the same fight again and again, with the hope that with each day the struggle becomes less.
So, no, we are not ‘better’ because you see us eat, or we look ‘well’. An eating disorder is a mental illness, and the suffering can be invisible to others; that does not mean it isn’t present.
Recovery is the time we need the most support; we are doing everything our mind is telling us not to, we are having the same internal fight every single bite we take. Please be thoughtful and remember we may still need your guidance and encouragement. And for those with an eating disorder, I know eating can trigger your ED to convince you “You were never sick in the first place.” But remember these thoughts in itself are disordered, and a healthy person wouldn’t think this way. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help because you fear the judgment of others or don’t feel valid. Recovering from an ED is so tough, and you are doing amazing just by actively choosing recovery each day.
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