Following up from Seeing the ED as a Friend, its now time to say goodbye. Recovering from an eating disorder is a loss; we are losing many things- our identity, a mask, a safety blanket. Recovery is a process of grieving and letting go.
Dear ED,
This really hurts to write, but I know its for the best. I'm saying goodbye.
Any breakup is painful, yet this is the hardest I've done. When you came into my life, you promised that I would be okay as long as I did what you said; you promised me I would finally feel wanted and have a purpose. You made me push away the people I loved and who truly cared about me. At the time, I was so naïve and brain-washed- I strongly believed you were doing this to protect me. I was convinced you were the only one who wanted what's best for me. Only now I see clearly the hostility behind your friendly façade.
If you truly wanted what's best for me, you wouldn't take everything away from me. You are determined to take everything including my life. My biggest regret is signing my life away to you. If only there were a blueprint, where maybe I could see the darkness that was heading towards me. Little did I know, I was handing over the key to every aspect of my life.
My education.
My relationships.
My freedom.
My health.
I've lost so many friends; you have isolated me. You have destroyed my self-esteem and worth. The idea of anyone genuinely loving me is a fictional piece of my imagination. But I swear one day I will change that, for if I do not that will mean you have won.
Having your voice on my shoulders has stolen my identity: I am a nine year old trapped in a sixteen year old's body. One by one, you slowly took little pieces from me. Even though it hurt, I learnt to accept it as I held onto the hope that maybe you meant well. I kept letting things go; one by one.
Then I looked back, and saw all I had left behind. I had lost all that I was; I was a nobody. You got what you wanted , you held the puppet strings and orchestrated the dance. You had seized everything along with my ability to feel. Although that was a goal, I now realise the importance of feeling. You turned my entire purpose into shrinking myself until I was nothing. I am not living like that anymore. Because that was not living, that was dying- physically and mentally. All you provided was an escape from everything I so desperately wanted to avoid, and it came with a cost. I'm not wasting anymore time on this toxic friendship. This is the beginning of me.
So this is it, goodbye.
~ M
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